Inappropriate

The Dictator has a flair for doing and saying the most inappropriate things at the absolute worst times.
I often hear other mothers talking about "Wouldn't it be so fun to know what's going on in my toddlers head?" The answer to that question is no. No, you do not want to know. Just trust me. You also don't want your toddler being able to vocalize their every thought and feeling. All.Day.Long. Whenever the mood strikes them.

The Dictator, who has a phenomenal grasp on the English language and it's use, is always surprising me with how much she knows and how much of what she knows she should not know. Imagine someone just turned off your social filter and you said anything and everything that popped into your head. This is every day life with the Dictator.

When moms lament about their children not talking yet, I just remind them that talking sounds great and it's all fun and games....until little Mikey drops the F-bomb in front of Grandma.

Here's some of my all time favorite inappropriate statements made by the Dictator-

While at dance class, the sound system made a very loud noise. The Dictator got startled and announced "Woah! That almost scared the shit out of me!" The Dictator who is still just a two year old and extremely literal then turned around and looked at her backside before stating "Nope! It's still stuck in my butt!"

At Walmart- The Dictator is crying going in the store because she doesn't want to go to Walmart she wants to go to Target instead. The Dictator "Momma! Nooooo.....not Walmart! It smells there and the people are yucky! I want to go to Target where the clean people are! Pleeeeease! I'll be good!"
After shushing her a million times and essentially gagging her with my hand to get her in the store she loudly and very clearly announces to the entire store "Look at all the fat people here Momma! Woah! There aren't that many fat people at Target!"

The Dictator sometimes requires a suppository these days. She thinks they are carrots because of the orange caps. We've tried to tell her otherwise, but once the Dictator decides on something there's really no changing her mind. While in the mall bathroom the Dictator is doing her business. She out of nowhere yells out "Momma! NO! I don't want you to put the carrot in my butt!" *Sigh* I'll never go to that mall again.....

The Dictator is trying to figure out where babies come from. Curious about how the baby gets in a woman's tummy the Dictator reasoned out that she must eat something that grows in there. Not ready to elaborate on this subject just yet, I decided to tell her "Yes! Absolutely! That is just how it happens. Way to go for figuring that out! She must just eat something!" The Dictator saw a very pregnant woman at Barnes and Noble (She always picks the quietest places to embarrass me!). She said "Hey there! You must have ate a LOT of something to get that big! That's a REALLY big baby!"

And my new personal favorite-
At her gym class we were doing a warm-up on the big red mat. The Dictator, who had just watched part of a documentary about World War 2 with her Daddy waits until the room goes quiet (seriously! The ONE FREAKING TIME the gym is quiet!) and then yells "Hey everyone! Lets goosestep!!" and proceeds to march around the room before ending in a highly inappropriate salute. Perhaps this would not have gone over as poorly had she not been the blondest, most blue-eyed German looking child in the room.

So the next time you find yourself wishing that your baby could talk to you, remember that little children just don't get what's socially acceptable, and I'm pretty sure even if they did they really wouldn't care. Our excursions together are getting more and more limited these days. So many places we just can't show our faces in again. I'm thinking by the time the Dictator is 3 we'll have to move to a new city and by 5 we'll most likely have to leave the country.

Magic Mike

Last night I got to escape for a few hours and enjoy some much needed "mom time" with my wonderful momma friends. While getting ready, I accidentally let it slip that I was going to a movie (mistake #1) and that the name of the movie was "Magic Mike" (mistake #2). This is the conversation that followed....

The Dictator: "Momma, where are you going?"
Me: "Out with Momma's friends. We're going to see a grown-up movie" (Not sure why I had to say the word 'movie'. I could have said anything. Dinner? Shopping? A meeting? You name it. Nope, I had to say "movie". It could have been the fact I was just plain exhausted. Could have been the fact that sometimes I'm just an idiot. You pick...)
The Dictator: "Momma! I want to go to the movie! I want to see 'Brave'! I'll get my shoes!"
Me: "You've seen 'Brave' three times already. It's Momma's turn to go to a movie tonight. We'll go to a movie together tomorrow. Okay?"
The Dictator: "What movie you gonna see Momma?"
Me: (In all my exhausted, stupid glory) "Magic Mike" FML. 

The Dictator: (Eyes now big and mouth wide open) "I want to see Magic Mike! I want to go toooooooooo!"
Seriously, "Magic Mike"?? What the hell were the movie producers thinking when they came up with this title? I swear it was just to screw with me. It had to be. Let's take a moment to think about this title. Magic! What 2 year old doesn't love magic?? We talk about magic every single day. Magic is fun, and awesome and totally something the Dictator wants to see. Then there's Mike. If you have a "Monsters Inc." obsessed toddler like I do, you will understand why putting the word "Mike" in anything is going to insight a fit of toddler mania. Putting the words together is too much for the Dictator to handle.
The Dictator: "I LOVE Magic Mike! I want to go! Pleeeeeeaaaase!"

Me: "It's not about THAT Mike. It's a different Mike. A Mike just for Momma."
The Dictator was not pleased when I left the house last night.

This morning, I had forgotten about our conversation. The Dictator, who never forgets anything decided to remember our conversation while we were at the movie theater. Standing in line to get our tickets, a very busy, long line, we were talking about the different movie posters we saw as we passed by. Things were going well until we passed the "Magic Mike" poster. The Dictator, who is becoming quite a good little reader, suddenly got a very excited look on her face and yelled out as loud as she could "Momma! There's YOUR Magic Mike! It's a Mike just for YOU Momma!"