Twilight

I hate to admit this, but I actually kinda liked the "Twilight" movies. I know.....they are SO cheesy! I even read the books. All of them. I did want to stab my eye out multiple times while reading them, but the creepy corny romance of them compelled me to read until the end. How did that woman get published? The writing is just so tragically bad. Even for a teen novel. Although the story is interesting, and weird, and really just so wrong that you have to keep reading it to see how wrong it can get. Maybe I just answered my own question. Anyways....

On to the movies....
Yes....I have seen them all. Some of them on opening day, as was the case with the last one.
After we left the theater, I started to feel a little sad. No more Bella and Edward movies! I laughed at myself for having such a stupid thought on the drive home.

The next morning I was driving along and a song came on the radio. It made me think of "Twilight" and Bella and Edward. What??! I don't even know who I am anymore.....

At the heart of this movie, it's a propaganda piece for pedophilia, subordination of women and seems to set out to prove how stupid the human race really is. I mean...NOBODY noticed that the Cullens are vampires? Really??! Oh, they are just very pale and kind of weird acting and never seem to get any older or change at all. Yeah....that seems normal. Nobody has snuck into their house to check them out? Nobody has died in the process? I can't believe that none of the Cullens has taken a little 'snack break' while at school. If I had to repeat high school chemistry over and over again for hundreds of years, you bet I'd take a little bite out of somebody.

Whatever. Maybe we really are that dumb. Maybe I have vampires living next door to me. Although I'm doubtful of that, since all of my neighbors are bordering on their centennial anniversaries. Maybe it's a front....

Every time a new movie comes out, my female friends get all excited and giddy about going to see it. I hear about how it's this amazing love story that tugs at their heart strings. Say what? Edward is what? 150 years old?? Bella is 16-18 depending on the movie. Um....that's not legal. I don't care if he's a vampire. He's still an old dude. Just because his body stopped aging doesn't mean his brain did. Is Edward really that childish? How can they have anything in common? The Politician and I are only 2 years apart, and we have multiple conversations where I bring up something from my childhood that he is too young to remember. If 2 years can be a big difference, I can't imagine what well over 100 would be like. Think of the awkward conversations... "Hey Bella, remember when t.v. came out? Remember the great depression? Remember a time before telephones? Hey Bella.....lets jitterbug! Oh yeah...you don't know what that is." Is Edward really into teenage girl drama? Bella doesn't seem super mature, intelligent or superior in any way to her peers. I know she supposedly smells really great and all, but now that she's a vampire and she's not so smelly I wonder what's left to their relationship. Sex only gets you so far. I'm betting Edward and Bella get divorced. She seems to have the conversational skills of a gnat. Does nobody notice this? In the movies she barely speaks! She just makes moody faces and looks off in supposedly deep contemplation. Why is everyone okay with this creepy old dude hooking up with a teenage girl? I'm sorry , if some 150 year old guy came to my house and wanted to hook up with the Dictator you can bet there would be bloodshed. His blood. Vampire or no. I'd kill that guy. I can't even begin to imagine what the Politician might do if he found out.
I actually feel slightly bad for that guy when I think about it.

To make the whole situation horribly worse, in the last movie a new character is introduced. Bella and Edward's love child. Sheesh....this is literature these days? The movie portrays the 'baby' as a CGI created 'advanced child' who can communicate through touch with those around her. The creepy CGI baby knowingly looks at her family members right away from birth on. Even one of my most die-hard fan friends couldn't help but laugh when she saw the ridiculously fake looking face they had stuck on the kid.
Ok...fine...at this point in the story this doesn't even seem implausible anymore and kind of makes good sense in a weird way. But then! Jacob (the werewolf. I don't have time to cover all of this in my post!) imprints (oi yoi yoi) on the baby! Whaaaaaaaaat?! Ok....crossing the line a bit Stephanie Meyer. I guess it's supposedly okay because the baby is not really a baby. She's advanced. Hmmm....my daughter is advanced. Not as advanced as Reneesme (wtf kind of name is that?). Bella named her. This proves my point on the maturity level. Bella goes from rock to snail in the course of the 4 movies. Anyways...my daughter is advanced. She would probably be able to date a 12-14 year old at this point. Does that mean I'm going to take out a personals ad? Um...no. So now we are supposed to be okay with creep geriatric Edward doing the deed with Bella AND Jacob (who is 17 I believe? maybe 18?) falling in love with A BABY! I don't care if it's a vampire baby! It's a baby and it's a little gross! I guess he doesn't look at her 'in that way' but like a brother. I bet when she turns 7 and is an adult (accelerated growth) he's gonna want to be more than siblings. But that's okay...because she's 'full grown'. Have I boggled your minds yet?

There's also the part where the vampire baby nearly killed Bella while she was pregnant. God forbid she gets an abortion and saves her life! That would be killing a baby! Ugh. Pro-life propaganda is EVERYWHERE these days! Spare me, please. There is nothing romantic about nearly dying because you stubbornly want to have your 150 year old husbands demon baby. It again just shows this girl is batshit nuts and everyone just smiles and goes along with her stupidity.

The end of the movie shows a lovely, dewy faced Bella looking into Edwards eyes and Jacob walking holding Renesme's hand (she's maybe 6-8ish physically now?) and smiling at his future bride.

My mind is blown. I'm disgusted. It's creepy.  Why does society think this is an okay message for teenage girls? Somebody help me understand!

In the end though.....I am loathe to admit I will miss these movies. Mostly because I enjoy looking at Taylor Lautner without a shirt on. Hey....we only have a 10 year age difference. Much better than Bella and Edward!

Nutcrackers

Every once in awhile the Dictator just has a hard time saying a new word. This usually happens after she's learned too many new words at once and her little mouth just doesn't connect properly to her little brain. The first time I noticed this happening was when she came running to me yelling "Help! There is lots of bread!! Oh no! Bread! Bread on me! Bread on the ground!" Say whaaaat? Turns out bread=blood! There was indeed blood! She fell on the sidewalk and scraped up her little elbow pretty good. She was more concerned about the bread, er blood on the sidewalk than she ever was her elbow!

We've had lizards (scissors), alligators (escalators), sex (six. That phase sucked, since it was also a big counting phase), and lumpy hairs (gummy bears), along with many others.

I discovered the latest word challenge while we were at Target today. The Christmas stuff is up and proudly displayed throughout the entire store. Even the dog supply section was colorfully peppered with Christmas cheer. Antler hat and peppermint candy cane snacks for Fido? Check!
They also had a lovely selection of nutcrackers.

I'm not sure we've ever talked to the Dictator about nutcrackers before. We have a few, so she's seen them, but she's never really been curious and they are only up for a month or so at Christmas before they are packed away again. Yes...I have severe issues with people that break the boundary lines of decorating. There is to be no Christmas decorating before Thanksgiving! And you better take it all down New Years Eve weekend!

It actually felt a little wrong to be looking at the Christmas stuff. Especially since it's nearly 100 degrees here today. I was already breaking my own restrictions by having an iced peppermint mocha. A Christmas drink! The Dictator was having an iced gingerbread decaf latte. We were really feeling daring today! I wonder how those drinks taste warm? Living here in the desert, I doubt I'll ever know! We decided to be naughty and venture into the Christmas section.

There we were. Reveling in our defiance to traditions and actually contemplating buying Christmas-y type things! And then....the Dictator noticed the nutcrackers.....

"Oh Momma!" "Look!" "Aren't they pretty!" "I want one! I want a Butt Crack!" "Look at all the pretty Butt Cracks! Can I have one? Can I have a big, giant Butt Crack?" After a moment or two of confusion, I realized that Butt Crack does indeed equal nutcracker!

How could I say no? We bought the biggest Butt Crack, err...nutcracker we could find. The Dictator was overjoyed to show her new friend off to everyone we passed in the store and the cashier. "Look at my Butt Crack!" "It's a big one!"

Now that we are home, the Dictator and her Butt Crack are playing out in the yard together. Loudly playing in the yard together. I'm sure the neighbors love us. Although I have tried correcting her, and we are making progress. We've made it to Butt Cracker! Hey....that's a step in the right direction my friends!