The Dictator has an odd obsession with Hobby Lobby. I don't understand it. Maybe it's because it was the first word (other than her name) that she could read. She just loves the double b's in each word.
While driving home from IKEA today I asked her if she wanted to go home or to Hobby Lobby.
Me: "Hey, we can go home or we can go to Hobby Lobby. We need scrapbook paper and paint. Your choice."
The Dictator: "Woooo hoooo! Hobby Lobby! I want craft stuff! I want to paint!"
The Dicator loves to paint. Mostly herself. Sometimes a minimal amount of paint will show up on the paper or canvass, but usually her legs, arms, and face are a much better painting surface. Why she does this, I don't know, since this always results in her crying her little blue eyes out, because the Dictator does not like to be messy.
We pull up to Hobby Lobby. The Dictator can now see the sign from her spot in the backseat.
The Dictator: "Ooooohhhh! Hobby Lobby! Look! There are 4 B's! I love B's. Let's get paints."
When we get out of the car I can feel her little toddler heart beating with excitement. Honestly, her excitement gets me excited! I'm so glad we share this love of crafting and Hobby Lobby! Hurray! Life is wonderful!
We go into the Hobby Lobby. Yes, this is going to be an epic shopping experience, I can just feel it! I get a cart. Then I hear the words that every parent of a toddler dreads.......
The Dictator: "I have to poop"
Seriously??? NOW? Those of you without children may not understand why this is such a big deal. Sounds simple, right? Take her to the bathroom, stick her little tushy on the potty, she'll do her business and shopping will resume. Um...no. That's not even remotely close to how it goes down.
Along the way to the bathroom, Hobby Lobby has set up brightly colored, amazingly fun booby traps designed to make a momma's mad dash to the bathroom with her blue in the face from holding it in toddler drama and tear filled.
As we are dashing through the store (WHY do they put the bathroom at the BACK of the store??? I swear this is just to make my parenting life more difficult) we pass a bin of stuffed animals. What the hell are stuffed animals even doing at Hobby Lobby???
The Dictator: "Stuffed animals! I want a stuffed animal! Oh...pleaaaaaase! I want the elephant!"
I know there's going to be a poo-splosion any second, and I've been down this tear filled road before, so I just grab the damn elephant and continue to run.
We round the corner. Yes, we are going to make it! I WILL salvage this shopping trip!
What is that up ahead?? Squirt guns? Again, I question your logic Hobby Lobby. You are, after all, a CRAFT store. NOT a toy store.
The Dictator: "Oh My Gosh! (her new favorite phrase) Squirters! Can we get one squirter, please? I need to poop!"
Whatever. Yes, you may have a squirt gun.
Me: "Grab one! Let's go!"
The Dictator: "I want purple!"
Please just grab the darn squirt gun! Come on! Just take it!!!
The Dictator: "I want blue. Wait....I want green."
FML. I just grab all the colors I can see, throw them in the cart and continue our sprint.
I can now see the bathroom! Hurray! It's going to happen! We did it!!!!
Craptastic. :( In FRONT of the bathroom there is a large display of crayons and markers. Seriously?? Hobby Lobby, are you SURE you are a Mormon store? I'm starting to think "Satanical" is a more likely fit.
Me: "Lovee, I know you want the crayons, and as soon as you poop in the potty you can come out and pick which ones you want. Okay? We can take them home and open them and you can color all afternoon. Okay? It'll be great!"
The Dictator: (Thinking very hard about this) "Can I take the elephant and the squirters home too?"
Ohhh...you clever little manipulator you!
Me: "Yes, whatever you want! Pleeeeeease! We need to get you on the potty, NOW!"
The Dictator: "Ok. Hurray!"
We make it in the bathroom. There are no toilet seat protective covers. There is no toilet paper. I'm glad I never clean out my purse and still have wipes. Whatever, we can lysol her little rear end when we get home. We get The Dictator on the potty. She goes. Angels sing and heaven shines down on us. We did it!
As we are leaving the bathroom The Dictator remembers the crayons.
The Dictator: "Crayons! I want all the crayons! (FML. WHY did I have to say she could have ALL the crayons??)
Me: "Ok. Pick a few. You did so great! I am so proud of you for pooping in the potty!"
30 boxes of crayons later The Dictator is happy and we can proceed to the checkout.
What started as a 'quick trip' to Hobby Lobby has now taken well over an hour and our grand total? (you know...for the paint and scrapbook paper we went for) $66.58. that's not including the bottle of Aleve I consumed when we got home. I think this may break the record for world's most expensive bathroom break. Ever.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Are YOU mom enough?
I'm sure most everyone has seen the Time article "Are you mom enough?"
While the article has raised many questions and started many heated arguments, err...
I mean discussions....I don't think it really asks the questions I feel would qualify for such a title.
Questions that were failed to be asked:
Are you mom enough to listen to "The Fresh Beat Band" soundtrack every.single.time you are in your car for 5 months straight? I'm pretty sure that my CD player has it recognized at this point and could play the tracks without needing the CD.
Are you mom enough to sing along to every.single.song with your toddler every.single.time you drive?
Are you prepared to talk about underwear from sun-up to sun down, with topics ranging from- The history of underwear, the advantages to underwear wearing, the merits of a diaper free lifestyle and why it's inappropriate to ask friends daddies if they have Woody (from Toy Story) in their pants?
What about watching the same episode of Umizoomi for 3-4 hours a day every single day for 2 weeks? You must act surprised every single time you watch the episode and pretend like you don't know what's coming next. It must be as genuine as possible. The Dictator can detect sarcasm a mile away.
Or making a grilled cheese sandwich every single day using the same "Grilled cheese pan" (God forbid I use a different pan! All hell breaks loose!), farm cheese (The Dictator refers to cheddar as farm cheese. We don't know why), and "softy bread" (white bread)? Oh, and make sure you cut those crusts off!
How about letting your daughter give you a 'makeover' including hair and full make-up and then leaving the house that way? (She actually didn't do a bad job, but it *could* have gone poorly)
Are you willing to sing Elmo's Song in a very public place when your toddler gets hurt because it's the only thing that calms her down? You must sing the song using the "Elmo voice" and make sure to be over-dramatic with hand gestures and silly faces.
That my friends, is love. <3
Are you mom enough?
While the article has raised many questions and started many heated arguments, err...
I mean discussions....I don't think it really asks the questions I feel would qualify for such a title.
Questions that were failed to be asked:
Are you mom enough to listen to "The Fresh Beat Band" soundtrack every.single.time you are in your car for 5 months straight? I'm pretty sure that my CD player has it recognized at this point and could play the tracks without needing the CD.
Are you mom enough to sing along to every.single.song with your toddler every.single.time you drive?
Are you prepared to talk about underwear from sun-up to sun down, with topics ranging from- The history of underwear, the advantages to underwear wearing, the merits of a diaper free lifestyle and why it's inappropriate to ask friends daddies if they have Woody (from Toy Story) in their pants?
What about watching the same episode of Umizoomi for 3-4 hours a day every single day for 2 weeks? You must act surprised every single time you watch the episode and pretend like you don't know what's coming next. It must be as genuine as possible. The Dictator can detect sarcasm a mile away.
Or making a grilled cheese sandwich every single day using the same "Grilled cheese pan" (God forbid I use a different pan! All hell breaks loose!), farm cheese (The Dictator refers to cheddar as farm cheese. We don't know why), and "softy bread" (white bread)? Oh, and make sure you cut those crusts off!
How about letting your daughter give you a 'makeover' including hair and full make-up and then leaving the house that way? (She actually didn't do a bad job, but it *could* have gone poorly)
Are you willing to sing Elmo's Song in a very public place when your toddler gets hurt because it's the only thing that calms her down? You must sing the song using the "Elmo voice" and make sure to be over-dramatic with hand gestures and silly faces.
That my friends, is love. <3
Are you mom enough?
Bad Guys
While eating lunch today the Dictator and I were talking about our upcoming Disney trip next week.
In preparation we were talking about Disney movies and the characters in each one. We somehow got on the subject of bad guys and started naming all the bad guys we know. I could tell the wheels in the Dictators mind were turning, and soon she asked me "Momma, why are they bad guys? Why aren't they nice?" What a tough question!
I tried to give her an honest answer, without being too involved or scary- "Some people are bad guys because they are sad. They might be sad because they don't like what they look like, or maybe they really want something and can't have it and it makes them angry and mean. Maybe they don't have any friends. Maybe something scary or bad happened to them and it made them angry and want to make others scared. Lots of bad guys are just sad people, or lonely people."
My beautiful little Dictator was really thinking all of this through and then told me "Momma, sometimes I'm a bad guy. I am mean. I don't want to be a bad guy, but sometimes I just am." I told her "Sometimes we are all bad guys. Sometimes we say and do things that are mean and hurtful to other people. Sometimes we hurt other people and make them sad. The important thing is that we say we are sorry and do our very very best to never be a bad guy again. Being a good citizen, a good person, and a good friend is much better than being a bad guy."
After that the conversation went back to seeing Mickey Mouse, where we were going to eat, and what crappy souvenirs I would be blowing our retirement fund on.
Later though, while getting ready to leave, the Dictator came running down the hall and into her room.
She gave me the biggest hug and told me "Momma, next time I see a bad guy I'm going to tell them that It's okay bad guy, don't be sad. I will be your friend."
Bless her little toddler heart. I think I will try to follow her example and do the same. :)
In preparation we were talking about Disney movies and the characters in each one. We somehow got on the subject of bad guys and started naming all the bad guys we know. I could tell the wheels in the Dictators mind were turning, and soon she asked me "Momma, why are they bad guys? Why aren't they nice?" What a tough question!
I tried to give her an honest answer, without being too involved or scary- "Some people are bad guys because they are sad. They might be sad because they don't like what they look like, or maybe they really want something and can't have it and it makes them angry and mean. Maybe they don't have any friends. Maybe something scary or bad happened to them and it made them angry and want to make others scared. Lots of bad guys are just sad people, or lonely people."
My beautiful little Dictator was really thinking all of this through and then told me "Momma, sometimes I'm a bad guy. I am mean. I don't want to be a bad guy, but sometimes I just am." I told her "Sometimes we are all bad guys. Sometimes we say and do things that are mean and hurtful to other people. Sometimes we hurt other people and make them sad. The important thing is that we say we are sorry and do our very very best to never be a bad guy again. Being a good citizen, a good person, and a good friend is much better than being a bad guy."
After that the conversation went back to seeing Mickey Mouse, where we were going to eat, and what crappy souvenirs I would be blowing our retirement fund on.
Later though, while getting ready to leave, the Dictator came running down the hall and into her room.
She gave me the biggest hug and told me "Momma, next time I see a bad guy I'm going to tell them that It's okay bad guy, don't be sad. I will be your friend."
Bless her little toddler heart. I think I will try to follow her example and do the same. :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
#MomFail
Wanna feel like a failure at life?
Forget to shave your legs before taking your child to swim class.
As the Dictator is merrily floating around the pool giving orders to her
instructor and generally having a happy little time, I am stuck sitting on the side
of the pool with my legs only half in the water. My hairy knees? Right at eye level and
on display for all passerby's (or should I say floater-by's) to see. Wonderful. Just freaking wonderful.
Want more failure points??
As you are getting out of the pool attempt to perform an embarrassing acrobatic manuever as
you slip on the step, flap your arms about like a large chicken and then barely grab the handrail before
your face has a close encounter with the pool decking.
Score- Pool:1, Momma:0
Forget to shave your legs before taking your child to swim class.
As the Dictator is merrily floating around the pool giving orders to her
instructor and generally having a happy little time, I am stuck sitting on the side
of the pool with my legs only half in the water. My hairy knees? Right at eye level and
on display for all passerby's (or should I say floater-by's) to see. Wonderful. Just freaking wonderful.
Want more failure points??
As you are getting out of the pool attempt to perform an embarrassing acrobatic manuever as
you slip on the step, flap your arms about like a large chicken and then barely grab the handrail before
your face has a close encounter with the pool decking.
Score- Pool:1, Momma:0
Monday, May 21, 2012
How to get to Sesame Street
When your toddler asks you "Where is Sesame Street? How can I get there?"
DO NOT respond with the following.....
The Dictator: "Momma, where is Sesame Street?"
Me: (I just got up. I barely understand what she's saying to me. 4 hours of sleep total and no coffee yet. Is is trash day? What time do we have to leave today? Huh?) "Ummm......it's down the street, make a left, go four blocks, make another left, go two blocks, turn right and then go through the tunnel and you are at Sesame Street" (Shoot...did I just say tunnel??)
The Dictator: "Momma, can we GO to Sesame Street? I wanna go through the tunnel!"
Me: (Shit!) "Um....no.....not today.....they are repairing the giant slide and Sesame Street is closed today"
(FML! What did I just say?? Did I say giant SLIDE? WTH was I thinking??)
The Dictator: "I wanna go on the giant slide!! (Of course you do) I wanna go now!"
Me: "Remember, Sesame Street is closed today. We can go another time, okay?"
The Dictator: (After some screaming, and I swear an obscenity or two about Sesame Street's choice of days to stage a closure) "Ok Momma. I will go check our calendar."
Why the hell did I give her a calendar again??? This is going to end in an epic meltdown in a few days.
DO NOT respond with the following.....
The Dictator: "Momma, where is Sesame Street?"
Me: (I just got up. I barely understand what she's saying to me. 4 hours of sleep total and no coffee yet. Is is trash day? What time do we have to leave today? Huh?) "Ummm......it's down the street, make a left, go four blocks, make another left, go two blocks, turn right and then go through the tunnel and you are at Sesame Street" (Shoot...did I just say tunnel??)
The Dictator: "Momma, can we GO to Sesame Street? I wanna go through the tunnel!"
Me: (Shit!) "Um....no.....not today.....they are repairing the giant slide and Sesame Street is closed today"
(FML! What did I just say?? Did I say giant SLIDE? WTH was I thinking??)
The Dictator: "I wanna go on the giant slide!! (Of course you do) I wanna go now!"
Me: "Remember, Sesame Street is closed today. We can go another time, okay?"
The Dictator: (After some screaming, and I swear an obscenity or two about Sesame Street's choice of days to stage a closure) "Ok Momma. I will go check our calendar."
Why the hell did I give her a calendar again??? This is going to end in an epic meltdown in a few days.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Pinterest Partay!
I hosted a Pinterest party this weekend. What a total blast! When talking to friends about my idea, everyone said they had never heard of such an event before. Could *I* possibly be the creator of the Pinterest party??
I'm totally taking credit for this one!
Never heard of a Pinterest party?? Well, of course you haven't! After all, I came up with it and you probably weren't invited. :( Sorry. Nothing personal. I just probably don't know you, and therefore don't want you visiting my house at night. Although had you shown up with baked goods, I more than likely would have let you in. I'm a sucker for brownies.
Everyone made an item they found off of Pinterest. Our theme? For the home. Ahh...I love, love, love home goods! Dry erase calendars, coasters, vases, plant pots...these are the things that make my heart go pitter patter. I can't help but get all giddy when I pin something pretty for my house. I actually make a lot of stuff, so there's a good chance I will shortly have that item sitting somewhere in my home. The color, style and personalizing options dominate pretty much all my free time thoughts (I know...what are those?!).
We all brought a food item we found on Pinterest too. It was quickly determined that if you give 10 women a choice on any type of food to bring to a party, chances are high we will pick a dessert. With chocolate. And peanut butter. Too much sugar.....oh the sweet pain......
We ate, did a white elephant gift exchange with our Pinterest items and all ended up with an amazing new item for our home, and so full of sugar we could fly .
Can't wait for the next Pinterest party. Our next theme? All about me! We're making something that is personal to us. Something we like to give as a gift or make, or something that has a special meaning to us. So many ideas floating through my head! Lucky for me, my little Dictator likes to paint, mod podge and color. So many crafts, so little time!
I'm totally taking credit for this one!
Never heard of a Pinterest party?? Well, of course you haven't! After all, I came up with it and you probably weren't invited. :( Sorry. Nothing personal. I just probably don't know you, and therefore don't want you visiting my house at night. Although had you shown up with baked goods, I more than likely would have let you in. I'm a sucker for brownies.
Everyone made an item they found off of Pinterest. Our theme? For the home. Ahh...I love, love, love home goods! Dry erase calendars, coasters, vases, plant pots...these are the things that make my heart go pitter patter. I can't help but get all giddy when I pin something pretty for my house. I actually make a lot of stuff, so there's a good chance I will shortly have that item sitting somewhere in my home. The color, style and personalizing options dominate pretty much all my free time thoughts (I know...what are those?!).
We all brought a food item we found on Pinterest too. It was quickly determined that if you give 10 women a choice on any type of food to bring to a party, chances are high we will pick a dessert. With chocolate. And peanut butter. Too much sugar.....oh the sweet pain......
We ate, did a white elephant gift exchange with our Pinterest items and all ended up with an amazing new item for our home, and so full of sugar we could fly .
Can't wait for the next Pinterest party. Our next theme? All about me! We're making something that is personal to us. Something we like to give as a gift or make, or something that has a special meaning to us. So many ideas floating through my head! Lucky for me, my little Dictator likes to paint, mod podge and color. So many crafts, so little time!
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