Hobby Lobby

The Dictator has an odd obsession with Hobby Lobby. I don't understand it. Maybe it's because it was the first word (other than her name) that she could read. She just loves the double b's in each word.
While driving home from IKEA today I asked her if she wanted to go home or to Hobby Lobby.

Me: "Hey, we can go home or we can go to Hobby Lobby. We need scrapbook paper and paint. Your choice."
The Dictator: "Woooo hoooo! Hobby Lobby! I want craft stuff! I want to paint!"
The Dicator loves to paint. Mostly herself. Sometimes a minimal amount of paint will show up on the paper or canvass, but usually her legs, arms, and face are a much better painting surface. Why she does this, I don't know, since this always results in her crying her little blue eyes out, because the Dictator does not like to be messy.

We pull up to Hobby Lobby. The Dictator can now see the sign from her spot in the backseat.
The Dictator: "Ooooohhhh! Hobby Lobby! Look! There are 4 B's! I love B's. Let's get paints."
When we get out of the car I can feel her little toddler heart beating with excitement. Honestly, her excitement gets me excited! I'm so glad we share this love of crafting and Hobby Lobby! Hurray! Life is wonderful!
We go into the Hobby Lobby. Yes, this is going to be an epic shopping experience, I can just feel it! I get a cart. Then I hear the words that every parent of a toddler dreads.......

The Dictator: "I have to poop"
Seriously??? NOW? Those of you without children may not understand why this is such a big deal. Sounds simple, right? Take her to the bathroom, stick her little tushy on the potty, she'll do her business and shopping will resume. Um...no. That's not even remotely close to how it goes down.
Along the way to the bathroom, Hobby Lobby has set up brightly colored, amazingly fun booby traps designed to make a momma's mad dash to the bathroom with her blue in the face from holding it in toddler drama and tear filled.
As we are dashing through the store (WHY do they put the bathroom at the BACK of the store??? I swear this is just to make my parenting life more difficult) we pass a bin of stuffed animals. What the hell are stuffed animals even doing at Hobby Lobby???
The Dictator: "Stuffed animals! I want a stuffed animal! Oh...pleaaaaaase! I want the elephant!"
I know there's going to be a poo-splosion any second, and I've been down this tear filled road before, so I just grab the damn elephant and continue to run.
We round the corner. Yes, we are going to make it! I WILL salvage this shopping trip!
What is that up ahead?? Squirt guns? Again, I question your logic Hobby Lobby. You are, after all, a CRAFT store. NOT a toy store.
The Dictator: "Oh My Gosh! (her new favorite phrase) Squirters! Can we get one squirter, please? I need to poop!"
Whatever. Yes, you may have a squirt gun.
Me: "Grab one! Let's go!"
The Dictator: "I want purple!"
Please just grab the darn squirt gun! Come on! Just take it!!!
The Dictator: "I want blue. Wait....I want green."
FML. I just grab all the colors I can see, throw them in the cart and continue our sprint.
I can now see the bathroom! Hurray! It's going to happen! We did it!!!!
Craptastic. :( In FRONT of the bathroom there is a large display of crayons and markers. Seriously?? Hobby Lobby, are you SURE you are a Mormon store? I'm starting to think "Satanical" is a more likely fit.
Me: "Lovee, I know you want the crayons, and as soon as you poop in the potty you can come out and pick which ones you want. Okay? We can take them home and open them and you can color all afternoon. Okay? It'll be great!"
The Dictator: (Thinking very hard about this) "Can I take the elephant and the squirters home too?"
Ohhh...you clever little manipulator you!
Me: "Yes, whatever you want! Pleeeeeease! We need to get you on the potty, NOW!"
The Dictator: "Ok. Hurray!"

We make it in the bathroom. There are no toilet seat protective covers. There is no toilet paper. I'm glad I never clean out my purse and still have wipes. Whatever, we can lysol her little rear end when we get home. We get The Dictator on the potty. She goes. Angels sing and heaven shines down on us. We did it!
As we are leaving the bathroom The Dictator remembers the crayons.
The Dictator: "Crayons! I want all the crayons! (FML. WHY did I have to say she could have ALL the crayons??)
Me: "Ok. Pick a few. You did so great! I am so proud of you for pooping in the potty!"
30 boxes of crayons later The Dictator is happy and we can proceed to the checkout.

What started as a 'quick trip' to Hobby Lobby has now taken well over an hour and our grand total? (you know...for the paint and scrapbook paper we went for) $66.58. that's not including the bottle of Aleve I consumed when we got home. I think this may break the record for world's most expensive bathroom break. Ever.