Preschool dropout

The Dictator starts school in just over 2 weeks. I'm excited. I dream of mornings snuggled under the covers blissfully sleeping in while my husband takes her to school. I keep fantasizing about deep cleaning, batch cooking meals to freeze for easier suppers, doing ALL the laundry in one day and yes....I admit, I also fantasize about watching a 'momma show' (Dance Moms. It's our little secret, okay?) all the way through without interruption.

In addition to the nearly fanatical excitement I feel about my daughter and I getting a much needed break from each other, and how uber happy I am that she is going to an excellent school that is going to truly nurture her amazing little brain and help it grow, I also feel the black cloud of dread hanging over me....

Reading the parent handbook, I notice they have a few 'zero tolerance' policies. I think to myself "Yay! I like this school! Be strict! Beat these kids into submission!". Then I see what the 'zero tolerance' policies are for.

1)Biting. Okay. I agree with this. The Dictator has experimented a few times with biting, but nothing much came of it. We bit her back when she bit us (I don't care if you feel this is the best way to handle it. It worked for us. Thank you.). She didn't like that! She stopped biting.

2)Bringing a gun or weapon to school. Yes. I 100% agree with this one.

3)Swearing. Whaaaaat?? Shit! Err.... I mean, shoot! The Dictator doesn't swear often (Thank you Lord above!), but when she does, she doesn't hold back. She loves the f-word, and she knows it's appropriate uses. Recently, while on vacation, we were at a busy theme park. It was hot. There were a ton of people. Too close to us. The Dictator doesn't really like people she doesn't know touching her. No thank you. Hands to yourself please. She very loudly, and clearly announced "There are so many fucking people here today!" In that moment, I had been thinking the exact same thing. It was true, and good God, she did use that phrase in exactly the right way! However, her school says it will expel her little sailor talking mouth if she does it at school. FML, or I mean Darn My Life, this girl isn't going to last a week.

4)Hitting. Sure. The Dictator is not really a hitter. There is an occasional incident, but nothing really malicious or overly crazy. I think we'll be okay there.

5)Overly sexual behavior or talk. *Sigh* I should go get my deposit back now and return her school clothes. I just know she can't go 4.5 hours without singing about getting on your back and screaming, or having a menage a trois. BTW, thanks again Katy Perry for that one. Luckily the Dictator believes that a menage a trois is playing ring around the rosy with three people. Although, I'm sure when she asks two other kids at school to have a menage a trois with her, it's not going to end well....

If you wanna scream!

The Dictator does not typically listen to 'grown-up music', but when she does she manages to choose the most highly inappropriate music possible. Listed among her very favorite artists are Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, the "Call me maybe" girl (sorry "Call me maybe girl. I don't know your real name and I'm too lazy to google you) and most recently Usher. Yes, I know these artists have songs that should not be heard by my 2 year olds young and highly impressionable ears, but one can only take so many Wiggles tunes before the suicidal thoughts start to kick in.

In my defense, it started out pretty innocent. "Firework" has a nice message, right? Even "Call me maybe" really doesn't have anything horrible in it. Then along came Usher. And his amazingly over-sexed song "Scream".  We've been listening to the song for awhile now, and I admit that I really didn't stop to listen to the lyrics. I heard lots of "ooh baby baby" and "if you wanna scream, yell". Okay, that seems fine. And look! The Dictator is happy in the backseat and is so cutely singing along! "Oohhh baby. Oooooh baby!" I even downloaded it on her iPod so she could listen to it as much as possible. *face palm* 

I have realized that I need to stop taking the Dictator out in public. 

Shopping the grocery store, the Dictator starts to sing. I, being the tired and perpetually naive parent that I am most mornings, can't help but think "Awww! My kid is really so frickin' cute! Look at everyone looking at her and how cute her little song is!" But then, I notice that the people looking aren't really smiling or making the "awww...." face that I would expect. You have to take in consideration that where we live we are either the youngest people by 30 years or among our peers, the only ones with all our teeth. It's a tough area to fit in to on a normal day. When you have a goose stepping daughter singing Usher, it gets a little harder to blend in.

Of all the lyrics in the song, The Dictator has latched on to the following:
Girl, tonight you're the prey, I'm the hunterTake you here, take you there, take you underImagine me whisperin' in your ear that I wannaTake off all your clothes and put somethin' on ya

And I've tried to fight it, to fight itBut you're so magnetic, magneticGot one life, just live it, just live itNow relax and get on your backIf you wanna scream yeah,

What, what, what??????!!!! The first time she ran through those lyrics, I don't think I believed my ears. The second time (she sung even more clearly! I curse all the time I have spent with this child on annunciation!) I knew exactly what song she was singing. So did everyone else around me. 

The Dictator, who didn't feel like her performance had enough pizzazz then proceeded to shake her little hips and butt and go "ooooooh baby". WTF? I swear at this point the 2-3 75+ year old ladies in the aisle with me looked ready to pass out. The young kid stocking the store started laughing at this point. At least the Dictators performance was amusing to someone. 

We decided we did  not need any more groceries. Time to leave the store!

I do have to admit, that once home and away from the shame looks, I was kinda impressed with my girl. That song, albeit very inappropriate, has some pretty tough lyrics for a 2 year old! The fact that she could sing in time to the music, in tune and with emotion made my heart swell with pride. I mean, it could have been worse. It wasn't say, Nine Inch Nails singing "Closer" or anything. I'm sure she'll have that one memorized by the time she's three though....

Boobie eaters

The Dictator was not breastfed. Not once. Ever. Not in the hospital. Not at home. Not anywhere.
I simply wasn't interested and she seemed to like her organic formula an awful lot anyways. Judge however you will. It's what worked for us, and we're both happy, healthy and well-fed.

With that all being said, the Dictator is becoming increasingly interested in her body and other people's bodies. She has been starting to notice differences between boys and girls. She is also trying to figure out how the heck babies get here, and why they do the things they do.

While out and about today, we saw a woman breastfeeding. The Dictator asked me what they were doing and I responded "She's feeding her baby breast milk. That's what some babies eat." The Dictator looked skeptical. Her follow up- "That baby is eating her boobie! What a meanie! Why isn't that Momma crying? That must hurt big!" There was really no trying to reason with her. Telling her milk comes out of a boob is like telling her that when we get home flying monkeys will be in her room and want to eat cookies with her. It's not part of her reality. Cows make milk. And it's chocolate flavored.

As we were walking by (I could feel some horrible comment coming on. Knowing the Dictator, I know that she is going to blab at any moment.) the Dictator very loudly told that breastfeeding woman and her 'meanie baby' off.

The Dictator: "You should really give that baby milk in a cup! He needs to grown up and stop being a baby. Boobies go in bras!"

Oh well....I didn't really like that store anyways.