Balloons

The Dictator can read now. Not like just a few words here and there. No, the Dictator can read anything and everything she sees. This is a blessing and a curse. The Politician and I used to spell things to each other that we didn't want her to know about. I could leave books I'm reading laying open around the house without worrying about the Dictator reading about death, torture, sex and a host of words that I'm thoroughly unprepared for her to be repeating (I read a lot of historical fiction. This stuff comes up a lot).

It's also an amazing blessing, as a whole new world of knowledge has opened up to the Dictator. She can research anything her little heart desires now. There is really no limit to what she can know anymore. She can find out about anything by reading a book about it. It's pretty amazing to watch really. I see the joy on her face when we go shopping and she can now read packages and really help me shop. The Dictator is insanely proud of herself when we go places where directions are posted and she can read them all by herself and tell me what we need to do. It makes her much older than her four years should, and although I feel much more positively about her reading than I ever feel negatively, there are moments where I wish, perhaps, she could have waited just a little longer......

The Politician was cleaning out his nightstand. He hadn't cleaned it out since before we moved last year. He just saran wrapped it and we moved it with all the junk inside. As he took stuff out, he laid it on top of the nightstand. A giant pile formed. We got caught up in the day before the cleaning project could be completed. A decent sized pile lingered on top of the nightstand. I didn't really look at what was hanging out there. Lesson learned that I need to pay much more attention to anything and everything that is visible to the Dictator.

The next morning the Dictator was hanging out in my room while I got ready for the day. From my bathroom sink I watched her sitting on the bed, her little blonde head bobbing along with the Strawberry Shortcake music on the t.v.
I went in the closet for a moment and when I came out I heard her sounding out a word. Assuming it was part of the show she was watching I didn't pay too much attention at first. I heard something like "Mmmm....aye....gu...." but then went back to doing my hair. Next I hear "C...on....d....om...s. Condoms. What are condoms?" Oh My God! There's a box of old condoms in that pile on the nightstand!!!!! Noooooooo! Running out of the bathroom, I see the Dictator holding the box and reading the information on it! "Momma, what are these things? Condoms? What is that for?"


There are moments in life where you don't think clearly. There are moments in life you desperately wish you could take back. Moments that when you look back on, can't even believe really happened to you, because they are so unbelievably terrifying and awful that your mind tries to blanket the awfulness for you.
This was one of those moments. The moment I opened my mouth and said-
"Oh, those are just balloons, honey."

Wait. I just said "Balloons". To my four year old. "Balloons". You know.... what all four year old adore and covet more than any other freaking thing on the entire planet.

The Dictator "What! These are balloons! Oh....I would really like to blow one up! Please! Can we!!??"

Jesus H. Christ. If I was a believer in the bible I would have prayed that the rapture would have happened right at that moment. This would have been a great moment for a freak tsunami to happen, or an earthquake, or anything. Anything! No. The room was silent. Even my dogs, who are normally loud and obnoxiously close to us at all times were nowhere to be found. It was just me, the Dictator and the box of "balloons".

Me: "Well. Those are for adults only, sweetie. I'm sorry. Can I please have the box? I should probably throw them away anyways, okay?"

The Dictator: "I would really just like to blow up one."

Dear God....she's now opening the box! Nooooooo!

Me: "Sweetie (my voice is tense), please give me the box. Those are for grown-ups only!"

The Dictator "No. I want to see what's inside. Oooh...gold squares!"

I dive. I grab the box. The Dictator looks up at me and I can see the tears springing up. I panic.

Me: "How about after school we can go get a kid balloon? A pink one? Or a princess one? These balloons are just yellow. You don't even like yellow!"

The Dictator: (Sniffling) "Ok. Promise we can go get a kid balloon?"

Me: (whew!!!!) "Yes!! Heck, let's get two!"

Thinking that this is all behind me, I drop the Dictator off at school.



This is not all behind me.
I'm not that lucky.

I go in to school to get the Dictator. All the other parents are there. All of them. I've never seen more than one freaking parent in this classroom when I've been there before ever! The Dictator's teacher is right there by the door too.
The Dictator turns to look at me, she smiles. Then she loudly says "Momma told me I could not blow up the adult balloons she has. The Magnum ones. The are gold squares with a balloon inside. I was sad, but Momma said we can go get a kid balloon instead! We're going to the balloon store now!"

So much for making friends with people at school!