I have an allergy

WARNING! This post MAY just offend you! Sorry! I need to get this off my chest.....


Allergies. Since when does every.single.kid on the planet have an allergy? And how come all of a sudden it's not just the kids, but all the moms too!?!?! Dads seem to be left immune to this strange phenomena and continue to drink copious amount of wheat bear and eat large quantities of white bread without ill effect.

No joke, percentage wise on Facebook- 70% of my friends claim to have a food allergy. Uh? 70%?!
If 70% of the population had food allergies, we'd all be dead by now.

I'm not saying that all allergies are made up. Allergies are no joke! Maybe that's why I get annoyed when suddenly everyone I know is allergic to something. Feeling sluggish after eating a loaf of bread is NOT an allergy. If you drink an entire milkshake and then complain of tummy troubles, I'm sorry...you cannot blame it on lactose intolerance.

Talking to a friend who has a real, life threatening allergy to certain fruits (bananas, watermelon, cantaloupe, etc) made me realize how obnoxious these new so called "true food warriors" are. The Dictator was faced with her own set of allergy challenges as an infant. Being allergic to sweet potatoes is a pretty crappy allergy to have these days, since sweet potatoes are the new fad 'allergy free' food. No carrots, no tomatoes, no nothing red until she was nearly 2 years old. How did I know she was allergic? She had an allergic reaction that required medical treatment, and she also had to undergo some pretty awful allergy testing.

To the woman who told me she thought her daughter might have the same allergy because after she ate sweet potatoes she had to burp a lot- Please shut up.

My personal favorite is "My child is allergic to sugar". I'm sorry, but I'm allergic to bullshit. Please stop trying to feed it to me. Your child is not allergic to sugar. Lets take a quick moment to think about why you think this. Sugar, when ingested, releases endorphins. Endorphins are fun! They make you want to run around and be crazy, silly, and well...sometimes hyper. They make you happy. Being happy makes you want to be more outgoing. In small people, the effect is bigger, because emotions are bigger. Getting excited after eating a cupcake does not mean you are allergic to cupcakes. I have a feeling these are the same parents who will tell me in a years time that their child is allergic to plastic, and therefore cannot go down the slide. Slide=endorphin rush=hyper. Not: slide=endorphin rush=allergy!

These 'allergies' also seem to only affect a certain segment of society. White, 30 something, middle class Americans with one to two children living in a house where the mother stays home seem to be most targeted by this affliction. You never hear Jim Bob or Honey Boo Boo's mom complaining that they can't eat too much gluten or they'll get sick. The lower class masses seem to be nearly entirely immune from this epidemic.

I've seen moms nearly starve themselves to death because they are terrified to eat fearing their breast milk will be tainted by these horrific allergens. Seriously! Eat a frigging bagel! Your baby will be fine! Have a cupcake, or two! You might feel so much better you'll forget to worry about 'allergies'!

Hosting a play date these days is beyond ridiculous. Suzy can't eat gluten. Sally can't have dairy. Emily is allergic to all nuts ("no..we haven't had her tested yet, but we have a feeling...."). Frank can't eat any meat. George is pretty much shit out of luck and is allergic to all of the above. What the hell am I supposed to serve for snacks? All of this needless worry makes me want to spike the organic, gluten free, sugar free, vegan cupcakes with red #40.

I'm not advocating we feed our children or ourselves a diet of junk food. I'm all for healthy, fresh, and even (gasp!) organic food when possible. However, please realize that allowing yourself or your children to eat at McD's once in awhile will NOT kill them.

Ok. Rant over. The end.